Festive season is here. You will be meeting family and friends. Even if you are some part Indian, you will be curious about the child-free status of some of the couples you meet. Here’s my Diwali gift to you. A checklist of ‘What Not To Say’ to these people even though you think you are helping. I wish I could tell you I made this list up but I have personally heard each of these and surprisingly from unexpected quarters.
In an unfortunately mixed group
- Any good news?
- Different prefixes include – you are looking so healthy, you have a glow, you look tired, you look unwell, you have put on weight, you have lost weight, you are wearing an Anarkali/Angarkha/anything that doesn’t cut off circulation
- Your parents are tired of waiting to become grandparents
- These days you people think your career is your baby
- Who will take care of you when you become old?
- If you travel so much for work, how will you give <insert random kid’s name> a cousin to play with?
- When we were your age, we didn’t think so much before having a child…your whole generation overthinks decisions
- I saw on my Whatsapp group someone had posted that if you do deep breathing like Pranayama, it will help clear all your tubes for pregnancy
- I saw this medicine on Facebook…
- I saw this video where these liberal, feminist types are refusing to have children, are you also?
- If you don’t increase our numbers, we will get run over by all other religions and communities
- These days adoption has become fashionable
One woman to another
- Have you tried <insert obscure herb>? It is supposed to help
- Don’t drink too much coffee/tea/alcohol
- Drink green tea
- Don’t exercise too much
- Exercise more
- Have you tried yoga?
- Don’t do CrossFit – it won’t stick
- Try losing weight
- Try meditating on the days of your ovulation – visualize your egg being fertilized
- Have you tried veganism? I read it is helpful for getting pregnant
- He will leave you for someone else <insert uncomfortable laughter> if you don’t do something soon
- Isn’t ironic that you didn’t want kids before…
- Don’t your in-laws say something?
- You both work at home and even then it’s not happening?
- Keep your legs up in the air after you have done it
- There is this app you can use to track when to…
- This is why I didn’t go on the pill
- Go on a vacation for 5 days – but go on the right 5 days
- When you go to <insert name of any Indian state you had no plans of visiting> there is this tree you can offer water to
- You can go get this thread from this temple to tie on your right hand
- That aunty’s daughter in the US also had the same problem, she quit her job and now she has twins
- Don’t let him spend too much time in the bathroom if you know what I mean
- IVF try kiya? There are some really good packages these days
- There is this doctor (best said in Tamil) – avar kai vechaale porum. Translated – if he lays his hands on you it is enough
- These days everything is so complicated. I toh got pregnant by accident
- We also really struggled for two months
- Are you really trying? I mean trying hard or chumma?
- Which direction are you facing when you are….? North or East?
What you can say instead
- Happy Diwali
- You look great!
- Here eat some mithai/sweet
See…not difficult at all 🙂 Happy Diwali and don’t be an asshat.