Maybe I am not passionate…maybe I am just lazy

I have realised that I fit no where. This identity crisis was triggered very directly by watching a YouTube video by someone who spoke of – identity crisis in a series called  “Perpetual Identity Crisis” (no ambiguity in the name there). Some of it was also triggered by some post I read about why Gen Y yuppies are unhappy. I must say I relate more to the video than to this whole theory of how we the Gen Y think we are special – going as far as calling me delusional.

I do not think I am special. In fact, on the contrary I cannot ever come up with an answer to the question – what makes you unique? Not much really is what I think but I am pretty sure that is not the answer that most people want to hear.

The reason I feel I do not belong to the corporate world is simply because I cannot take that job seriously – the false sense of urgency simply makes me smile now. I did run around like a headless chicken in the short stint while I was there, almost like my life depended on it. But no longer. At the same time, I feel like I do not have the passion and that energy that some people around me seem to carry  from the non-profit world.

I do, really do believe in education which is why I want to work in that space. But  when I was asked, “what are you willing to give up to see the change you want to see” I honestly thought “nothing”. I am willing to work hard and make a difference but I do not want to give up my life. I love my life – I love to read, catch up on sleep, practice yoga, watch a movie, cook, eat out and travel. I do not want my belief in education to cloud over everything else I also happen to enjoy. Does this mean I am not passionate enough? Or does it mean I am simply selfish?

These aren’t questions I ask indignantly but more curiously because I am trying to find out where do I fall. I see people talking about how they do not buy clothes from big brands or eat only food bought from some farmer outside Bangalore or only have fair trade furniture in their homes. I do none of this – I shop in malls, buy my veggies in a supermarket and have furniture from the nearest Fab India and not some artisan carving out wood in a hut.

I would like to believe I am not indifferent because I still feel some amount of pain when I see the fruit seller’s child outside my apartment not going to school. I tried teaching him for a couple of days and then the fruit seller stopped bringing the child to work. But I also didn’t ask more than once.

I am not seeking a group to identify with. I just am trying to understand what is it that I seek. Maybe I do not have a passion or maybe I do but I am so lazy that I cannot profess my undying love towards anything.

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4 thoughts on “Maybe I am not passionate…maybe I am just lazy

  1. muchnessofd says:

    By that definition of lazy, I’m lazy too. Atleast you are doing something in a sector you believe in. I will stay in corporate, and try my best to stick to a 9-5 job just so I can fund my lifestyle. I have stopped thinking in terms of long-term with my career because I strongly believe it’s all a short fancy, and I will keep changing my mind over and over like I’ve done in the past. I don’t know if being selfish, and not settling is wrong though….

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  2. I wish I could answer honestly about ‘not settling’. I simply do not know…Regarding funding of a lifestyle, I have currently changed my lifestyle because I cannot fund most of my own choices 🙂 but that is not to say I do not miss it. It is another one of those things that makes me feel guilty (wanting money) and yet I do not seeing the guilt translating into me wanting any less 😛

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  3. muchnessofd says:

    Sigh. We want. Then we try not to want, but we still want. I am remembering ‘ceiling on desires’ from Balvikas now. You’d think THAT would’ve taught us, if nothing else did!

    Like

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